a look through my life.... and a look through me!

16 July 2008 @ 09:13 am

im sure enjoyed our time, bit im looking to stay
with out u im not okay, with out you ive lost my was
my hearts stuck in sceond place for good with out you, i never thought i d be lyng here with out u by my side
u made it llok so easy, guess u got what u want, but what about me?i could giveu two good reasons to show u loves not blind she 6 and shes 3, and u know they adore you

un trust, un real, to unlove you, so i ma gonna say what i gotta say ima brake
ima gonna do what gotta do to unlove you what i gotta break untill i heal i wish i could freeze everything i feel

bust it baby..is the real deal
best believe she got that good thing aint got no hood. ask around with no wose.. bust it baby
if iwasnt married to the streets it would be you, turn me ion the way u stand,
speedin in the fast peadle to the floor now, trying to get back to her love

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13 July 2008 @ 09:30 am

~!*song lyrics*!~

Im looking for somebody i call boo
looking for the only one that i can give my all too
tell me if its you....what you wanna do....make your move....
you can be my superman save me here I am!

Baby dont worry, you know that you got me
we new from the start that things fall apart , it tend to shatter,
she like that shit dont matter when i get home get at her

I stept up to her very smoothly, hopen that he would apprve me
nows the time to make my move
i said hello, he said goodbye and walked away
i wanna know if this is really love or infactuation
the way i feel about you

sometimes whats aybe the best thing for yu to do
sometimes thats the hardest thing for you to do
and thats real, cuz you know i love you, i know how i feel about you
but i also know that this wil make everything alright
and for that reason i have to say goobye
and i know deep down inside, that i really want to be here by your side
but I cant stand to see you cry

its been to long and im lost without you
what am i gonna do,
said ive been
needen you, wanting you
wondering if your the same and whose been with you!

Current Location: in my chair watching sopranos

Current Mood: creative

Current Music: lol all of the above

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06 July 2008 @ 07:55 am

....lyrics.....

all the feelings that i thought were gone came rushing back to me at oncetrying to smile and hide the way i felt
and i was thinking to myself * truth is, i never got over you, truth wish i was standing in her shoes, truth is, and when its all said and done, im still in love with you truth is, i never should have let you go....

come enjoy the ride....i'm looking for someone to call too...

Believe..... .

rain on me.... lord wont you take this pain from me....i dont wanna live i dont wanna regret....

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05 July 2008 @ 04:06 pm

(no subject)

im rolling down this lonely highway, asking god to please forgive, for messen up the lesson he gave to me, i see everything so clear right now, the nights as black as its ever been with out my girl im losing.....

see my mama told me, if its meant to be she'll come back and she'll forgive me, and the best i can do, is just let her go,i know i dont wanna do it if i contiune to push, she'l push away and i know in my heart its a reality, i didnt treat her like she wanted to be treated

you know, you know you want my loven babe,but i gotta be strong girl you did me wrong, when i thought we were really down, now u say u want me girl, make up ur mind, im not gonna be here for long

its been a long time since i could love someone, i coud trust someone - but if u asked me to i just might change my mind, and let you in my life forever,if you asked me to, i just might give my heart and stay here in your arms foever, if you asked me to...

if i told you loved you, that dosent mean, that i dont care and when i tell you i need you, dont you think that i wil never be there
true love wont lie, when i ask to trust me, that doesnt mean im gonna cheat on you, dont mistand me.....

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04 July 2008 @ 07:43 am

my life is strarting to come together

well i thnk a little bit reality hit me last night, as i lay in bed, and really, just got to think about a lot of things, silences tends to do that to me. one thing that i thought about, was going back to school..... i am finally going to do it.... come september, i will be a student again, and honestly i cant wait, i mean i have gone back before, and it was god, but at the end of it, i was literaly 2 clases away from graduating, and i left because al the drama in my personal life and with my kids and paul...... honestly i loved being in schol, i was a honor student, and my teachers loved me, i had good friends i met and some not so good, but i was happy, i was out everyday, i felt like this was my shot to change the world, now i know tons of ppl that have gone back to school, as an adult student, and well, it ususaly always works.....so september...here i fucken come.....I mean if i am ever gonna do it, now is the time to do it, and i am so excited.....

I have done a lot of thinking about the curent situation i am in with matthew, and well it just sadnens me, i mean, i know he trys and i know he is gonna make mistakes, nobody is perfect, i dont ask him to be perfect, my deal is, i went through all the same shit, with my kids dad, we were together for 6 years, i spent 6 years trying to figure out where i fit in in this world, and what my role is as a person a mom and as a girlfriend. i know that it is my role to make matthew a better person, its not my job, to make sure he knows what to do as a man, not a child, its not my job, to worry about everything, well he sits around and just lets life pass him by. i have made a decission to give him till september, to figure this shit out and to do his part to make this work two months i think is good enough. so i mean, heres to the next two months and i really do hope things wrok out, i am not going to hold my breath, but ihave a glimmer of hope here!

Current Mood:

tired

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02 July 2008 @ 08:37 am

i think i actually remid him, of his mom!!!

well, its CANADA day...july 1 st for those of u that live under a rock, as i sit here in my living room, yelling at my girls because well the are just bad today, and matthew sleeps through it all.... sometimes i think he sleeps through our relationship.... i mean, there is no communication at all, he comes home, and honestly, dont even, want him here half the time, i mean, there is just so much shit going on the last thing i want to do is sit here and it be all weird, because it is weird, its akward, its silent and it just frustrates me.... i sat here yesturday and read a 5 page letter that i wrote to him in the winter of 07 and just laughed because i dont even remember feeling that way when i wrote it, never mind actually feeling ike that now...

we have had a rough week, the two of us, and well it has left me feeling sad, and mad... more mad than anything else thou.... after being through everything i have with paul... i refuse to let myself or my kids, to go through anything that is no worth it, anything that i can do to make their and mine live better than what it has been, i will do it....

I have ppl lining up at my door pretty much to be with me, and to even have a chance to get to know me and yet i turn them away to be with someone i dont realy want to be with..... i am way to head strong and way to impatientto sit here and teah him how to be a boyfriend and a man and a son and a friend. i just dont have it in me, now call me a retard for haing boundries and knowing what i can and wil and ont o to be with someone, but thats what happens when u honestly ave youir heart torn out and danced on for 6 years.....

I feel with my kids dad, it was just a game to hm, and he was never actualy in love with me, it was like he liked me as a peron, but me as a person,he hated..... he hated the fact that for 6 years,all he did was tell me i need tro stand up for myself,and my girls.... i need to figuree out my life and i need to get my shit together..... well now that i am like that, its like i am this monster, that really he likes the idea of, but hates me now as a person.....

it has taken me such a long time to be able to get to the point where i am okay with my kids dad and now that i am trying to figure out where i fit into this life that i have created for myelf and matthew with no help to matthew i might add. he drops a bombon me that really fucked my head up, lol..... it fucked me up big time and dont know what to do now.... i straight out told him, that i loved him(paul) and would give anything to try and make it work with us, and now, its just not gonnahappen... i mean its so my fault that its not going to, because after thinking about it and the shit we went throu, i told him, that realy he as a person and all the shit is just not worth it, plain and simple... so here i am trying to wrap my head around the fact that i almost got back to gether with him....

with all that being said, i think that is one of the reasons that me and matthew are having so many problems...... i think that weather or not paul would have said anything, i would still be very un happy, here and with matthew...
he is jut so imamuture, he is naive, and he does and says the stupidest things.... i hate the way he sighs i hate the way he sits there with this dumb look on his face like im a retard...... it is really just getting to the point that i hate him and hate it whn he is around.....
i mean he is on vacation for the next weel, and i can almost promise you that by the time hwe goes back to work, we will not be together......

wanna here the dumbest thing.... we tried to have sex the other da, and honest to fucken god, it was him laying on toip of me, twitching for like 30 seconds and hium, cumming..... i was like are you fucken serious? now i remember why we havent had sexin a month.....BECAUSE YOU ARE FUCKEN HORRIBLE AT IT!!!
never in my life have i met someone as bad in bed as him, and i have taken ppls virginity...... this is 27 year old grown ass man, who eally fuckes worse than someone who has fucked once......
IT WAS SOOOOOO BADDDD.... honestly, like i slept on the couch, because i just grossed out...... like right now, hew is sitting on my couch, picking at himself....with this look on his face like hes dying........ahhhhh i hate him already...... one more month.... i have to wait a month...... i will be able to leave at the end of the month................................30 days..... 30 days...... 30 days
thatsway to long to wait but it will have to be done!!!

Current Location: my living room, in my big chair

Current Mood:

drained

Current Music: what hurts the most...racal flatts

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24 June 2008 @ 01:11 pm

my hell.... my home....

well here i am ona tuesday morning, well afternoon, and heres whats going on, I have been in my new apartment with my boyfriend for just over a week, and within two days i was unhappy.....
my days just come and go like there is always gonna be a tomorrow, but somehow i go to bed thinking that tomorrow is another day and it really cant get any worse, so it must be able to get better right?
for the most part i go to bed every night without my boyfriend, not because he is running around, but because he chooses to sleep in the living room.... now that is just the begining of my red flags and my unhappiness.....
I am a stay at home mom, of two little girls that have a lot of issues, that i am working out, and well by the end of the night i am so tired i litterally fall into bed... maybe spending 10 minutes with my man.....
I think since we moved in we have gotten into like 3 major arguements and well honestly we dont even talk... we just sit in silence, and avois each other at all costs.....
i really am confussed because yes i love him, but dont think i have ever been in love with him. There are many things aout him that i honestly hate... hate them so f*cken much it makes me sick, and i dont know what to do about it.....
he is lazy, and is a mommas boy, he is used to ppl cooking and cleaning for him, not having to pick up after himself, and well lets lay the facts down his mom still to this day raises a fucken sissy....
I have called this a man a bitch to his face, and nothing, I have told him, he needs to man up, and nothing, i tell him he needs to think about others ppls plans and shedules, and relise that this world we are living in does not rise and set on his shit.... and nothing.....
how ever he treats me good, the best i have ever been treated actually, but i am so unhappy..... I spent 6 years with someone who was a MAN i mean the whole thuggish ruggish, smoke a blunt, lol would knock me the fuck out if i called him a bitch type of man, who had lots of friends, and was ghetto, and handled his shit......
my man now is soooo not like that, I mean he puts his dirty clothes on the floor, when there is a laundry basket right beside where he put the clothes..... he burnt my element cover for my stove and tried to hide it like a child and wheni found it, he was like oops, not even an oh im sorry babe, or an explanation as to why or what happened.....
not once, has he cleaned up, or cooked a meal for us..... nothing........
i mean emotionally i am gone already, i have been since before we moved in together, i have tried to break up eith him 3 times before, and i cant because i know he loves me and i feel sorry for him..... i really do....
I am a sexual diva.... i mean.... diva, and i am like the 3rd girl he has ever slept with.... my god, we have some horrible sex, and well honestly, i try at all costs not to even kiss him, because it just makes me so freaken sick.....
he likes the stupidest movies and music, and says the most idiotic things, i am with a loser... plain and freaken simple, i mean he is a good guy, but not the guy for me.....
there is one shitty thing.... i am in love with his family.... me and his mom get along soooooo good its scary and well i know that they love my kids and thats hard to find....
this guy is so dumb i was mad at him for 12 hours before he asked me what was wrong, when i told him i had nothing to say to him, he thought that he had the right to walk out....FUCK HIM
this is a guy who stood there and watched my kids dad beat me up and did and said nothing because he was scared.... when i say he is a bitch, i mean it..... if someone was putting there hands on someone i loved regardless of f i was scared or not i would knock them the fuck out.
push comes to shove i dont think that he would do what he needs to do, to support a 4 person family, i mean i have two kids.... if it was about just me, maybe it would be different... but its not like that i do have kids thoses kids have needs and wants, and well with someone who doesnt have the capability to handle his shit.... i think my family is about to change again..... i think ts about time that it was just 3 again....... fuck him and fuck the fact that i am not happy...... my time and love is special and honestly i am waisting it on someone who doesnt deserve it.......

so what to do..... stay and be so unhappy i hate it when he comes home, or leave, start all over again, loses the family that he has and now my girls have in their lives? confussion sets in, and it is hell.

Current Location: my living room

Current Mood:

cold

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24 June 2008 @ 07:54 am

just saying hello

well i just wanted to say hello to al the ppl on here...... looking foward to seeing ur posts and comments.... also looking for some friends here and everywhere so dont be shy, stop by and say hi lol

Tags: alicia

Current Mood:

content

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23 June 2008 @ 09:16 pm

how to choose between them....

I am a 24 year old woman who has two beautiful girls aged 6 and 3. I was with their dad for almost 6 years although off and on, most of the time. This man was the love of my life and i would have done anything for him, or to keep him. He was and is the only one even to this day who knows all my secrets and stories, the only one who can make me smile without saying a word, but can also make me fear life itself, and make me so mad i hear voices in my head, it seems like.his name is paul.... the asshole as he likes to introduce himself as. lol
In the 6 years that we were together, i had almost every bone in my body broken, bruises in areas i didnt know i could get bruises, and just hell... honestly it was hell, i was suicidal, i was going crazy literally pulling my hair out.
Now as i sit here almost 2 years since the last time we were together, i am now and have been in a relationship for like 14 months, paul tells me 2 weeks ago, that he misses me and wants to get back together with me......
just when i thought i was okay and i was over him, he throws this at me.....
now i know your thinking that this is a typical abuse situation, and well i can tell u that its not.

just after the last time we broke up, i made a decission that i regret every second of every day, i agreed for my kids to live with their dad for a few months. Well a few months turned into 14.

Get this my oldest daughter had never had a hair cut and her beautiful hair was past her bum.... one night when dropping my kids off at the end of the weekend with my current boyfriend matthew, paul told me he was cutting her hair, and well needless tosay i went crazy... he ended up asulting me again that night in front of matthew, and almost broke my nose, smashed my head into glass bricks and well made me bleed.... i relised that night that eventually this guy would kill me or beat me so bad i would kill myself.....

so with in two days i had a restraining order for the first time and kidnapped my kids and went to a womans shelter...which i might add i was working at up untill the morning i went to live there with my kids. i have had my girls everyday since and have no attention in giving them back....

altough he takes them on the odd weekend despite the custody agreement we have.... he still doesnt pull his weight in his kids lives....

Now here is my delemlia, i love this guy, but hate him. he put his hands on me... and well brought out the worst in me..... for the majority of the time i am happy in ky current relationship but these two guys are so very different..... and hinestly i dont know what to do... should i try to rebuild my family with paul. or make a new family with matthew?

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